Changing

What will I do differently today?

This is the question running through me today:

What will I do differently today?

Why? Because I keep doing the same things over and over hoping things will change. I believe the first time I heard this concept was in an AA meeting with my dad: the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

I agree – it does make me crazy to keep moving so much every day…expending energy…yet stay in the same place.

But, I know better.

So, I need to do better. (Thank you, Oprah & Maya Angelou – http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Lesson-8-When-You-Know-Better)

I know I have to change. And, make changes.

Otherwise, I will stay swept up in the current of change around me, feeling tossed and voiceless because I’m not putting my feet down anywhere, establishing my own steps.

My husband said to me at dinner a few nights ago that I already have everything I need to succeed – intelligence, a degree, experience, a great job, great references…

that I am holding myself back – now, why would I do that?

I could not disagree. And, Lord knows I want better for myself. I am more alive and healed these days, so the mundane tasks that were sort of therapeutic when my heart was so broken and distraught…that offered me consistency and quiet to help my soul restore…are now trying to draw me away from the aliveness growing in me. My body is rejecting sitting in front of a computer all day…craving air, room to spread my wings, places to fly.

So, what will I do differently today?

I will write. And, share it.

I am scared but I will do it anyway.

I fear other’s opinions, but I will do it anyway.

I know what it’s like to be curled up at night, sad, lonely, hopeless – and typing into the google search looking for hope – connection that I’m not alone in my pain. And, finding the voice of someone online that has shared their struggles, healing, encouragement.

So, I offer a little hope today. You are not alone. I’m sorry for what is breaking your heart, threatening to tear your mind in two and searing your soul. Please keep reading. I will share more & I am here.

Reach out if you are ready. It is just as courageous to be quiet and heal as it is to reach out.

A story that changed me, offered me fresh hope on a teary night:

http://melodyross.typepad.com/my_weblog/2009/01/you-will-fly-again.html

Try something different today. And, remember – you will fly again, my friend.