“I’m on my own side now.”

“I swear to God, if I even feel somebody behind me, there is no measure to how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep. I’m on my own side now.” -Jason Bourne

When you go through really hard times, it is easy to feel attacked – as if the enemy has a mark on your back and he’s aiming right for you.

I find that more times than I’d like to admit, in the midst of overcoming, I can often become my own worst enemy. Mainly because I just get so tired & worn down.

But, also because of what I’m believing.

Letting myself believe lies, not guarding my mind nor my heart because I just want to comfort myself. I want things to be easier. So, I make decisions that seems to make things easy, but often complicate my life later on.

Like  in trying to lose weight. I’m often uncomfortable with my femininity. I don’t like the male attention I get because it draws on a wound in my heart. So, instead of fighting for myself and the amazing ways that being a woman is wonderful, I sabotage my progress – by overeating and not working out.

I haven’t always understood that’s what I’m doing. But, I can tell as soon as I start getting looks or comments from men, there’s a startling inside me – and I go to that familiar place to hide myself.

The weight helps me hide and disconnect. When I work out, I feel so utterly alive & connected – and exposed. But, it’s like exhaling all of that shame out of me.

It’s letting go to hold on.


It’s been an unspoken hiding. I’ve never said it aloud until a recent conversation with my husband. But, that’s all part of finding that voice within me.

But, as I’ve quoted Maya Angelou before , now I know better, so I do better.

I was watching The Bourne Identity last night & this quote really got my attention! And, I thought: YES! That’s right, that’s what I’m saying to that part of me that tries to interrupt my progress – as well as looking the enemy square in the eyes and saying it to him, too:

“I swear to God, if I even feel somebody behind me, there is no measure to how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep. I’m on my own side now.” -Jason Bourne

We don’t know until the end of this trilogy that Jason, eyes wide open, walked into the life he had of a trained assassin. So, when he is rediscovering who he is and chooses to be on his own side now – it’s powerful. He’s moved to do this because his heart catches up with him.

A life disconnected from my heart, leaves me fighting against myself.

I leave in that part of the quote about swearing to God because I don’t mean it as a slang, but as a commitment to believe Him. He has promised that we can “take courage” because He has overcome this world. (John 16:33)

It takes courage (divine courage at that), to stand up for yourself and BE ON YOUR OWN SIDE NOW.

To be committed to fight for it, too.

Newsong’s “Swallow the Ocean” – couldn’t say it any better!


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