“I’m on my own side now.”

“I swear to God, if I even feel somebody behind me, there is no measure to how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep. I’m on my own side now.” -Jason Bourne

When you go through really hard times, it is easy to feel attacked – as if the enemy has a mark on your back and he’s aiming right for you.

I find that more times than I’d like to admit, in the midst of overcoming, I can often become my own worst enemy. Mainly because I just get so tired & worn down.

But, also because of what I’m believing.

Letting myself believe lies, not guarding my mind nor my heart because I just want to comfort myself. I want things to be easier. So, I make decisions that seems to make things easy, but often complicate my life later on.

LikeĀ  in trying to lose weight. I’m often uncomfortable with my femininity. I don’t like the male attention I get because it draws on a wound in my heart. So, instead of fighting for myself and the amazing ways that being a woman is wonderful, I sabotage my progress – by overeating and not working out.

I haven’t always understood that’s what I’m doing. But, I can tell as soon as I start getting looks or comments from men, there’s a startling inside me – and I go to that familiar place to hide myself.

The weight helps me hide and disconnect. When I work out, I feel so utterly alive & connected – and exposed. But, it’s like exhaling all of that shame out of me.

It’s letting go to hold on.


It’s been an unspoken hiding. I’ve never said it aloud until a recent conversation with my husband. But, that’s all part of finding that voice within me.

But, as I’ve quoted Maya Angelou before , now I know better, so I do better.

I was watching The Bourne Identity last night & this quote really got my attention! And, I thought: YES! That’s right, that’s what I’m saying to that part of me that tries to interrupt my progress – as well as looking the enemy square in the eyes and saying it to him, too:

“I swear to God, if I even feel somebody behind me, there is no measure to how fast and how hard I will bring this fight to your doorstep. I’m on my own side now.” -Jason Bourne

We don’t know until the end of this trilogy that Jason, eyes wide open, walked into the life he had of a trained assassin. So, when he is rediscovering who he is and chooses to be on his own side now – it’s powerful. He’s moved to do this because his heart catches up with him.

A life disconnected from my heart, leaves me fighting against myself.

I leave in that part of the quote about swearing to God because I don’t mean it as a slang, but as a commitment to believe Him. He has promised that we can “take courage” because He has overcome this world. (John 16:33)

It takes courage (divine courage at that), to stand up for yourself and BE ON YOUR OWN SIDE NOW.

To be committed to fight for it, too.

Newsong’s “Swallow the Ocean” – couldn’t say it any better!


It’s time to help – please take a minute to read!

PLEASE consider joining this beautiful initiative. CLICK HERE TO READ the details.

Anyone that knows my story, knows that helping people who’ve been abused has been a direction I’ve been headed into for a while. On my journey, I learned of a beautiful organization call the Brave Girls Club. Even though their mission statement had nothing to do with what I had been through, it had everything to do with where I wanted to be: FREE and HEALED.

For me, art has played a major role in that. I do believe I was created with a level of sensitivity other artists would understand. I see details, in all things, whether I’m trying or not. And, as I’ve gotten stronger, the desire to produce more and more art has grown. And, left me asking myself what to do with it?

LET ME TELL YOU: a word of TRUTH can change the direction of your day. For me, I had to cling to what I knew to be true like it was my breath because the OVERWHELMING power of the lies that entangled my heart because of abuse were simply put: destroying me. Wounding my heart, suffocating my soul.

I was able to heal and move forward, but I could not do it on my own. Many people played a role in speaking truth into my life on those days when I thought I would just give into sorrow, despair and anger. I still battle at times, but my support makes all the difference on those days.

And, I refuse to FORGET how hard it has been for me. My heart’s desire has been to heal, get stronger and pass on that courage to others in the throws of it all.

PLEASE take a moment to read this blog post of the Brave Girls club partnering with a non-profit to help women rescued from human trafficking. PLEASE consider helping – the time is so small but I truly believe the effects so very important.

1 in 6 women have been abused, 1 in 33 men have been abused. The chances that you know more than one person that has faced the atrocity of abuse is LIKELY. The luxury of not dealing with this is know what they have known. (http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-victims)

Some facts about Human Trafficking (cited from http://www.dosomething.org/tipsandtools/11-facts-about-human-trafficking)

  1. The average cost of a slave around the world is $90.
  2. Trafficking primarily involves exploitation which comes in many forms, including:
    • Forcing victims into prostitution
    • Subjecting victims to slavery or involuntary servitude
    • Compelling victims to commit sex acts for the purpose of creating pornography
    • Misleading victims into debt bondage
  3. According to some estimates, approximately 80% of trafficking involves sexual exploitation, and 19% involves labor exploitation.
  4. It is estimated that there are approximately 27 million slaves around the world.
  5. 68% of female sex trafficking victims meet the clinical criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder.
  6. Around half of trafficking victims in the world are under the age of 18.
  7. More than 2/3 of sex trafficked children suffer additional abuse at the hands of their traffickers.
  8. Trafficked children are significantly more likely to develop mental health problems, abuse substances, engage in prostitution as adults, and either commit or be victimized by violent crimes later in life.
  9. Women who have been trafficked for the purpose of sexual exploitation experience a significantly higher rate of HIV and other STDs, tuberculosis, and permanent damage to their reproductive systems.
  10. There is only one shelter in the U.S. designed specifically to meet the needs of trafficking victims, and it currently only houses a total of seven to nine victims.
  11. Trafficking victims normally don’t get help because they think that they or their families will be hurt by their traffickers, or that they will be deported.
International Justice Mission

International Justice Mission (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you want to read more about another amazing organization fighting for these victims, check out International Justice Mission’s site: http://www.ijm.org/.

Actress Ashley Judd, who has appeared in over ...

Actress Ashley Judd, who has appeared in over twenty different movies, attended Sayre. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ashley Judd also a humanitarian, writes so eloquently of the suffering and the need for all of us to get involved: http://ashleyjudd.com/.

photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/h-k-d/3063566547/”>h.koppdelaney</a&gt; via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a&gt; <a href=”http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/”>cc</a&gt;